It sneaks up on me, that crafty and relentless thing called grief.
Yes, it comes out to prey on me in those obvious moments when Mom is at the forefront of my mind - when I want to tell her about the boys, when we drive by the cemetery, when I have flashbacks to what it was like for her that last time in the hospital....
Yet it is all too ready to take advantage of those odd moments when I'm unprepared and defenseless against the fresh onslaught of horror that overwhelms me when I remember that Mom is gone. It delights in reminding me that even though I know without a doubt she's in a place of no pain, I would gladly take one more chance to tell her that I love her.
I can't hold back the hands of time...or even reverse them. I wouldn't if I could. However, the selfish and fallible side of me very much wishes that I could hold back those odd moments when I'm so vulnerable against that thing called grief.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Some of you may have seen this on the MSN website, but I just HAD to share it anyway! I laughed my way through it. The joy and unabashed fun that they're having is infectious and as such, what better people to share that kind of thing with than you, my bloggy peeps. Have a wonderful weekend.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I know, that sounds silly but it's kinda how I'm feeling. I've lost 4 lbs. since I made up my mind (and heart) to be healthier for me and my precious family.
Four. Whole. Pounds. Yay!!
It may not be a fantastic amount, but it's a start and I'm ridiculously giddy about it. I would have rejoiced over a single pound, at this point. A step in the right direction is what this represents for me and I needed that in a big way. Um, no pun intended.
I'm not eating less, I'm eating smarter. Well, I am eating less in the sense that I'm trying to keep my portions within an acceptable range, but I'm not starving myself. I've been eating more veggies and fresh fruit (organic when I can afford it) along with more protein throughout the day. I've noticed that if I snack on something that includes protein -like an almond/craisin mix- I'm less prone to reach for something that's full of empty calories.
Do I still crave things like chocolate? Yes, indeedy. Have I completely abandoned this sweet treat? Not a chance!
Remember that this is a life change for me and I can't reasonably expect myself (my loved ones, small animals or the general public) to suffer through the experience of me without my chocolate...especially when my "aunt" is making her monthly visit. I just grab a Skinny Cow ice cream treat after dinner or have a couple of Hershey's Extra Dark Chocolate bars.Curves has also been a big factor. The ladies there are very helpful and instructive which keeps me focused on those days when I'm tired and unmotivated. Also, the Hubby has really been extra helpful with getting me out the door so I can go. Thanks, Babe.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
You know, not all my creative streaks encompass the safe and easily hideable. By easily hideable, I mean that if I mess up on a project I can just toss the offending evidence in the back of my craft closet or, if it's really horrendous, shove it in the trash.
Nope. Leave it to me to make it complicated!
Let me fill you in on the backstory. The other night, the Hubs and I were chillin' out in the office/t.v. part of our bedroom (not as posh as it might sound, but it's comfy!) when E-man got a bit fussy. He was sleepy and couldn't seem to settle down so the Hubs suggested I sing to him. I started with a Sara Bareilles tune then moved to a Disney song and went right on into some hymns, rocking him as I went along. Little guy conked out eventually and I took a moment, or three, to simply enjoy holding him. I've always enjoyed singing to the boys and lullaby time was and is a particularly sweet experience...and effective most of the time!
Out of the blue, Hubs tells me that he loves it when I sing to the boys. Awwwww.
After I had my mushy moment, I started to think back to the songs Mom would sing to me and my brother. I would give anything to have a recording of her voice or a video of her singing. Anything, y'all.
Then it hit me. There are no recordings of me singing whatsoever.
Now, normally this wouldn't rock my boat overly much but knowing how it makes me feel to not have that tangible recording of Mom, how could I not consider....
......making a c.d. of myself singing so that they can have something of me when they get older.
Is that silly of me? Maybe, but I have it inside me to at least attempt to do it for them.
Now if I could just figure out how.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
It's called a Bumbo Seat and the E-man loves it! We noticed that he loved to sit upright whenever he could, but we weren't always able to accomodate him...crying ensued. I happened to stumble across this infant seat in one of my online window shopping excursions and did some quick research to make sure it was worth the cashey-cash. Every review I read said to try it out in the store to make sure the legs fit.
Okay. Can do....and did. Everything was fine. We just have to make sure we don't put him in it too soon after he eats or else what went down would just come back up again. Ick.
The E-man LOVES his little blue chair and we love it right along with him! The Hubby and Bubs, true to form, got a little goofy with it. This time I have evidence!! See for yourself.
Friday, July 10, 2009
I'm just looney like that, I guess.
BUT, hold on a sec and let me explain! There's just something about a pot of chicken an' pastry simmering away on an overcast day that makes me smile. Without even thinking, I had snagged the soup pot and defrosted the chicken, well on my way to making a batch of this homey goodness.
My brain, the occasionally logical thing that it is, started to send out warnings. Is this pot of pastry, while yummy, going to totally sabotage my efforts to be healthier? Am I ever going to be able to eat this yummo comfort food again?!!
My whiney self let out a truly girly scream of, "NOOOOOO!"
Okay, calm down and get a grip, girl. Take a deep breath......now let it out, releasing all the bad-- Oh, for heavens sake, just look at the ingredients you're using. Geez.
Boneless/Skinless Chicken Breasts
Frozen pastry that has no fat or cholestorol (but is still good!)
Water (or fat free chicken broth if I've got it)
Hmmmm....no big worries there! *Big Sigh* Thank heavens.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
And my waist, thighs and rotund tushy. That something is unhealthy weight and I want to get it off and keep it off.
I'm feeling a new sense of urgency to be healthier and lose weight. I'm trying to wrap my head around the concept that being healthy, and taking the time/effort to be so, isn't detrimental to my family's well-being, it's edifying. How can I be there for my husband and boys if I'm not healthy for them? When I became a wife and mother I lost myself in the duties and roles that came along with those two titles. Did anyone impose this way of being on me or teach me that this was the "right" way to be? No. I simply thought that denying myself the right to be fit was one way to prove how much I valued my family and their needs. I placed them above me in my way of thinking. Silly, isn't it? Yes, they are supposed to be important to me and because they are important, I owe it to them and myself to be as healthy as I can be.Can I get an amen? This is me preachin' to myself but feel free to join in on the amen corner if you feel so moved to!
I've watched my Mom and other members of my family (both sides) struggle with obesity for years and I'm all too aware of the health problems that come with it. I'm beginning to be at risk for a couple of biggies - no pun intended....I swear!
I don't want a temporary fix that, well, doesn't really "fix" anything at all. The more I think about it, what I'm aiming for is a life change and a new way of thinking when it comes to food, being active and just being healthy in general. This ain't about getting into a special outfit for an event, bein' hot for bikini season or trying to please my Hubby (he loves me just the way I am thankyaverymuch). This is about quality of life, m'dears. My family's and mine.
Will I fall along the way towards meeting my goals? You betcha. I need to go ahead and acknowledge that I will stumble along the way and that I'm not perfect. The prospect of failure has always been a big hurdle for me. After all, nobody has higher expectations for me than I do. As the Hubs tells me, I'm my own worst critic.
As my life's journey begins to take a healthier turn, I know that there will be a few sacrifices and dips in the road. Yet, I know that as I experience the weight loss I'll be gaining in other ways - joy, less pain-filled days, more energy to play with the boys and my Hubby will have a healthy support. I think it's worth a try, don't you?
Monday, July 6, 2009
I had my first pedicure this past Friday, y'all! I feel all girly-girl. It was deee-vine! The Hubs got me a plush gift card to a local day spa for Mother's Day this year and this is the first chance I've had to use it. Believe me, after my fun experience Friday, I'll be trying to squeeze every treatment I can out of that little pink card.
The lady who worked on my tootsies was a hoot and, amazingly enough, is related to me by marriage. Well for me, not so amazing as it is funny. Where we live, I can't go to the grocery store without seeing someone I'm related to in some way. Anyway, she and I ended up having so much fun that another technician had to shut the door to the room that we were in 'cause we were laughing so much. Oops! By the way, the name of that polish color is (I think) "I'm not just a waitress" by O.P.I....I think I hear the baby. Gotta go!