Saturday, May 23, 2009

"Second verse same as the first, a little bit louder, a little bit worse."

Wow, this is the first time I've had a chance to blog all week!

Weeeeeelllll, now that I think about it I've had at least a couple other opportunities but everytime I sat down to jot a blurt, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss Momma. Then I thought, no one wants to keep reading about my grief. These people are struggling with things in their own lives and probably want to read about something funny or uplifting.

I would sit for a minute or two and try to conjure up something only to give up and move to some other task that needed my attention. When you have a baby, making the most of every free second is paramount, after all.

Yet, grieving is where I am right now in my journey. I can't change it. I wouldn't, even if I could because that would mean Momma would still be in pain. I've been irrevocably altered by a great loss and writing about it, while it may not take the hurt away (I depend on God to help me with that biggie), might make it a little easier to cope so I'm in a functional, forward-moving frame of mind for my family. I've never experienced grief on this level before. One minute I'm mercifully distracted by the mundane neccessities of day-to-day living, the next minute I'm having flashbacks of what Momma looked like that last time in the hospital as she struggled with being intubated because her lungs were so full of blood. It's the most horrifyingly brutal emotional rollercoaster I could imagine...and, for the moment, I'm on it.

So if you begin to hear the phrase that makes up this post's title run through your mind when you read some of my future posts....forgive me, y'all. It's just where I am in my life right now. There may be general guidelines for the stages of grieving, but I've come to realize that it's a very personal thing to go through and that everyone works through it in their own time and in their own way and there's no handbook that tells how to get through it in 3 easy steps.

Thank you for your understanding and for the kind condolences and comments y'all have sent our way. They've meant a lot to me.


Thimbleanna said...

I'm so sorry Anna. I agree with you -- grieving is an intensely personal thing and you have to find what works for you.

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

If blogging is therapy to you, I say do it. It doesn't matter what others think, but I don't think anyone would begrudge you working through your feelings in this forum. In addition, there may be others going through what you are going through and they may find comfort in knowing they are not alone. We love you.

Joanna said...

Hey don't apologize! And blogging is cheap threapy. It's your blog and do what you gotta do. If you were oh well that is all said and done - I would be concern you were in serious denial.

Grief is a journey - your passing through not camping out. But it hurts like hell. Hugs Sweetie!