Myrtie, Ida and the Lizard

Now, I've had a request to share some of my (and my family's) funny church stories. Yes, they are all true and there are a plethera to choose from. I simply must start with the much retold story of Myrtie, Ida and the Lizard, one of my favorites, that took place when my Dad was a boy.

It was another Sunday service at the tiny Bear Creek Pentacostal Church. The preacher was preachin' up a storm, his veins poppin' out all over the place. The congregation, made up of no-nonsense country folk, sat on the wooden pews unsuspecting of the hilarity that was about to unfold.

For perched upon Sister Myrtie's Sunday hat was a lizard suggestively blowing out it's red throat lookin' himself a lady lizard...and Ida, a few pews back, had spotted it.

Maybe the people thought Ida was working her way up to the altar, having been so moved by the boisterous sermon.

Maybe they thought she was switching seats, having found hers to be lacking in some way.

Nope.

Yes ma'am, that lady was on her way to get her a lizard.

She crept up the aisle and kept an eye on that lewd lizard, all the while removin' one of her size 4 pumps.

The lizard, having spotted his impending doom in that little pump-toting woman, got wise and hopped down off his lofty perch onto the aisle floor. Ida cornered it and went in for the kill.

WHOMP! WAM!

"Ida, what are you doing?!" the preacher hollered.

"I got him!" she hollered back.