I often wonder what my heart is singing out to those around me.
Am I singing out about love? Wisdom? Hope?
Or has my heart's song become one of anger, hurt or discord?
I'm hoping that the melody my heart is singing along with is one that is finely orchestrated by a loving and compassionate Heavenly Father...who is always patiently waiting for me to hand back His conductor's baton when, out of fear or a need to feel in control, I've snatched it out of His hands.
The trio that I sing with was asked to sing a selection for a funeral that was held yesterday. I didn't think much of it, other than I was honored that we were asked and thoughts of sympathy at the family's loss.
The difficulty that I would be facing in singing for such a service didn't fully dawn on me until the family processed down the aisle to the distinctive sounds of a bagpipe belting out Amazing Grace. With one glimpse at their faces as they took in the sight of the casket at the altar and the way some of them held on to one another, my mind flashed back to Mom's funeral services.
Yikes.
The service was lovely and the recounting of her life touching and even, at times, funny. Then it was time for us to sing.....and I had the solo part.
With one final prayer the song began.....
I just couldn't look at the family. What can I say? Memories of one of the hardest days of my life and being a sympathy cryer will do that.
How in the world did I ever think that singing at such a service would be nothing to worry about? Silly, silly me.
You know, not all my creative streaks encompass the safe and easily hideable. By easily hideable, I mean that if I mess up on a project I can just toss the offending evidence in the back of my craft closet or, if it's really horrendous, shove it in the trash.
Nope. Leave it to me to make it complicated!
Let me fill you in on the backstory. The other night, the Hubs and I were chillin' out in the office/t.v. part of our bedroom (not as posh as it might sound, but it's comfy!) when E-man got a bit fussy. He was sleepy and couldn't seem to settle down so the Hubs suggested I sing to him. I started with a Sara Bareilles tune then moved to a Disney song and went right on into some hymns, rocking him as I went along. Little guy conked out eventually and I took a moment, or three, to simply enjoy holding him. I've always enjoyed singing to the boys and lullaby time was and is a particularly sweet experience...and effective most of the time!
Out of the blue, Hubs tells me that he loves it when I sing to the boys. Awwwww.
After I had my mushy moment, I started to think back to the songs Mom would sing to me and my brother. I would give anything to have a recording of her voice or a video of her singing. Anything, y'all.
Then it hit me. There are no recordings of me singing whatsoever.
Now, normally this wouldn't rock my boat overly much but knowing how it makes me feel to not have that tangible recording of Mom, how could I not consider....
*gulp!*
......making a c.d. of myself singing so that they can have something of me when they get older.
Is that silly of me? Maybe, but I have it inside me to at least attempt to do it for them.
Now if I could just figure out how.
I suffer from stage fright. This is a funny fact considering that I get up and sing in a trio at church almost every Sunday. I've always struggled with it, but most especially when I sing. There's really no way to cover up a mistake when you are singing...especially when using a microphone! You're out there for the world to see and hear and it feels like being naked in a room of formally dressed, beautiful people with all of your flaws and shortcomings bared for them to analyze. It's not a fun feeling.
So why do I do it? Because I believe that when you are graced with any ability, no matter how large or small, it should be used to share the love of God with people who need to hear or see it. I sing because it's something I feel I'm supposed to do and it's something that is such an inherent part of my life, it would be hard not to do it. It's like breathing for me, something that's neccessary for living and unconciously done.
Part of the reason I still struggle with nerves when I sing is because I have no formal training whatsoever. I don't know how to read music. I sing what I hear when a song is played. I am privileged to sing with two wonderful and understanding singers and musicians. My father plays the piano and our friend Brenda sings soprano while I sing alto. My dad is an incredibly talented pianist who has played since he was a very young boy. He is formally trained, but also plays by ear. He also has two CD's out. Brenda is trained in voice with a focus on opera and has adapted very well to being handed a page of words to learn and a tune on the piano to listen to(no sheet music). We all have and like different styles of singing and music, but are united in wanting to edify our church through praise and worship. This is not always an easy thing considering our church has had little to no exposure to anything like that, but they are good people who are trying to learn.
I've said all of that to ask this - Is there anything in your life that is so much a part of you that you would face a fear to continue doing it?
