"Second verse same as the first, a little bit louder, a little bit worse."

Wow, this is the first time I've had a chance to blog all week!

Weeeeeelllll, now that I think about it I've had at least a couple other opportunities but everytime I sat down to jot a blurt, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I miss Momma. Then I thought, no one wants to keep reading about my grief. These people are struggling with things in their own lives and probably want to read about something funny or uplifting.

I would sit for a minute or two and try to conjure up something only to give up and move to some other task that needed my attention. When you have a baby, making the most of every free second is paramount, after all.

Yet, grieving is where I am right now in my journey. I can't change it. I wouldn't, even if I could because that would mean Momma would still be in pain. I've been irrevocably altered by a great loss and writing about it, while it may not take the hurt away (I depend on God to help me with that biggie), might make it a little easier to cope so I'm in a functional, forward-moving frame of mind for my family. I've never experienced grief on this level before. One minute I'm mercifully distracted by the mundane neccessities of day-to-day living, the next minute I'm having flashbacks of what Momma looked like that last time in the hospital as she struggled with being intubated because her lungs were so full of blood. It's the most horrifyingly brutal emotional rollercoaster I could imagine...and, for the moment, I'm on it.

So if you begin to hear the phrase that makes up this post's title run through your mind when you read some of my future posts....forgive me, y'all. It's just where I am in my life right now. There may be general guidelines for the stages of grieving, but I've come to realize that it's a very personal thing to go through and that everyone works through it in their own time and in their own way and there's no handbook that tells how to get through it in 3 easy steps.

Thank you for your understanding and for the kind condolences and comments y'all have sent our way. They've meant a lot to me.

Aiming for Normalcy...

No, I'm not doing target practice on some unfortunate person named, Normalcy. Really, I'm not! Aiming for normalcy is just what I feel like we've been trying to do for the last week. Mostly for the Bub's sake, but also for mine.

He had a field trip to a local farm today and got to pick strawberries, go on a hayride, listen to some music, feed some farm animals, eat outside and....well, it was a fun-filled few hours, to say the least. I had a few twinges as memories of being there with Momma in the past came to mind, but I managed to make it through without a huge meltdown. Just a general mistiness (is that a word?) and some major tugs on the heart strings. Dad seemed to fare pretty well, too. He spent his last day of leave with us and enjoyed holding the baby while I ran after the Bubs, camera in hand.

So I'll leave you with some pics of our day at the farm~

Perfect Pic

My cousin, who blogs over at Boondock Ramblings, has quite a way with a camera. I consider it to not just be a talent, but a true gift. Most of my favorite pictures of family members have been taken by her. She emailed this pic of my Momma and the Bubs to both my dad and me yesterday. We cried. That photo perfectly captures how I remember her and want others to remember her.

Dad had it in a frame and it stayed on top of the casket (which was closed per Momma's request) tonight. It was a bright spot of joy in the middle of a very difficult evening. You cannnot help but look at that picture and smile. I know it was a comfort to Dad, who repeatedly touched it and shared in people's delight over it...in between the tears.

To my cousin, L~
I know you are in pain because you couldn't come down to Momma's funeral. We understand why you could not be here. Truly, we do. Please don't beat yourself up about it, shug. Know that we love you and that Momma loved you. She always thought you were very talented, creative, smart....and, well, the list goes on! As for this picture of Momma and the Bubs, I will never be able to fully express how much it meant to Dad, Aaron and I to have it there this evening. It was, if I can say this about a viewing, the highlight of the evening for many who were there. Thank you for being thoughtful enough to do that for us. The Bubs will definitely be getting a copy, as you requested and I know he'll love it.

I love you, L.

Momma

My momma died late yesterday evening after a long battle with not just one, but two kinds of cancer and all the complications that went along with them. My precious, sassy, wise and fiercely loving momma has gone to dance in Heaven. No more pain, no more tears, no more being trapped in a body that's betrayed her, no more loss of dignity, no more hospital visits or endless trips to doctors' offices. Just peace.

The Hubby and I had to tell the Bubs this morning. He cried. We're not sure how much he understood, but we told him that any and all questions are okay. He's already asked us, "Who's gonna be my Ammah now?"

Just when I think my heart couldn't break anymore...

I'm sure we'll be explaining things repeatedly for a while, yet. Whatever he needs. We decided to keep him out of school for today to give him a bit of time to adjust without so much outside attention...however well intentioned.

I know it's not logical, but I don't understand why the rest of the world is continuing to function when ours has screeched to a halt. Kind of childish of me, isn't it?

Well, it's time for me to go as there are a million decisions to be made and, for now, I need those decisions to keep me moving. Does that make sense?

Face Time

*thunk, thunk, thunk* "Is this thing on? Testing, testing..."

Alright, woman. This is your blog speaking!

Yeah, that's right. Your blog is speaking to you. You, the woman who used to visit me almost daily has now abandoned me in favor of a small, wiggly thing that burps a lot. I know he's cute and everything (seriously, did you see that face he just made?!) but I need some bloggity love over here, ma'am!

What do you mean you need a nap? No naps! Okay, so you only got three hours the night before...you can function on that, right?

I'll take that hand gesture as a no.

Don't be mad at me. What I'm really tryin' to say is...I miss you. We don't blog like we used to, but I understand. Life happens and, hey, if your life ain't hap'nin you have nada to blog about. So I'll leave you alone for now. I'm here whenever you need to type...

Decisions, expectations and being a SAHM

I must be honest and admit that I did not spend my time as a little girl daydreaming about being a stay-at-home mom. I didn't wile away the hours picturing myself folding endless mounds of clothes...only to pick them up and re-fold them after little hands had been busy unfolding them. I never thought that I'd pour over recipes, desperate to find something that everyone in my family would like or that keeping a house maintained would be such a struggle for me.

Nope, I didn't think I'd be doing what I'm doing now. Much less have not one but two beautiful boys!

It took me quite a bit to become accustomed to my new role once I'd made the decision to take it on. I thoroughly enjoyed working with my students and found fulfillment in helping and watching them attain new heights though each of their successes and, alternately, learning from their mistakes. To go from that to being at home by myself with a new baby (while precious, they do NOT come with a manual!) where it felt like everything I did was a failure was a bit of a transition, to say the least. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to be with the Bubs and knew very well that not everyone was blessed with the oppurtunity to be a "professional mom", but I had such high expectations for myself that I made myself miserable. Of course, post-partum depression didn't help things either...but that's another story that I don't feel like going into detail about right now.

With this new precious one, I don't feel anything like I did then. It has been a while since we've had a baby around here, however, so the Hubs and I are both having flashbacks to when the Bubs was still a baby. I think there's less anxiety involved for both of us. We don't jump at every little noise he makes or freak out as much if he cries for a second or three. Well, I don't jump but the Hubby, bless his heart, still does and it's soo cute.

I'm finding out that the very advice I gave to my students, for them to be happy in every accomplishment no matter how small, I'm having to heed for myself. Instead of expecting to keep up a spotless house (total myth, by the way), I get excited over a completed load of laundry or dishes. I feel all Martha Stewart-esque if the floors get the once over with the vaccuum/broom and whatever Swiffer product I have on hand. I'm easily pleased, y'all! Lowering my expectations that I place on myself in less important areas like housework has allowed me to better focus on the important things in my home - my family.